Reaction to this excerpt?

Uhm.... let me just say, the last couple concluding sentences were fantastic. And I really felt compelled to read on, it was very personal and creative, and i thought it was very well written over all.If there were a few things I would change, it would be the first couple sentences. The first one sounds very basic, and its ohkay, but it doesn't really correlate with the rest of the essay, which was much more creative. Try something that entices the reader instantly, and use the details you had in the rest of the essay, which once again, I loved :) Also the second sentence is a little lengthy, think about possibly either taking out some of the details in it, or just make the sentence into 2. Once again, I really liked it.